Monday, September 24, 2007

Dear Homeowner

Dear Homeowner,

As your friendly neighborhood banker (a Deleware, USA corp, servicing unit Mumbai, India) it has come to our attention that you recently attempted to sell your home. As the note holder of your oh, so very generous mortgage we watched with interest and then with some concern at your efforts. Then when you contacted us with the possibility of a short sale we grew truly alarmed. Seeing as the "best" offer you could garner at 75% of your previous purchase price fell through on appraisal we hate to pile onto your troubles but we have some bad news. If you look at our agreement you will notice that both rate and conditions depend upon a loan to value (LTV) of 80% or less. That is no longer the case. We can offer you either a limited range of new loans based on the new 105% LTV at today's current market rates for such products or we can arrange an impound account for private mortgage insurance (PMI) for your account until things improve.

Best Regards,
The Bank

P.S. When calling please take into consideration the time difference at out servicing unit in India. Thank you and look forward to hearing from you soon.


Sac RE Agent said...

first. and glad i didn't check the mailbox over the weekend.

Sweet Cashback said...

Dear Health Insured,

It has come to our attention that your had a recent cancer diagnosis. As this changes the underwritten policy conditions, we had to cancel you policy retroactively to the day of diagnosis. We would urge you to contact us as soon as possible to find out which of our new comprehensive and competitive policies fits your needs.

Your new choices:
- $2000 a month, $10000 deductible
- $5000 a month, $5000 deductible
- $0 a month, no coverage (MURST popular)

Thank you for your continued (20 years of) business.

serinitis said...

Dear Friendly Neighborhood Bank,

Thank you for the kind note regarding my new interest rate. As you can tell from my payment history, I am averaging 2 months behind. Unfortunately my credit card companies are starting to harrass me about my payments and I cannot afford to pay them and pay you. I understand that if I make noises about working with you, I can stay for 1 year without paying anything. Thank you so much for this.

P.S. I already have a buyer lined up for the kitchen appliances.

Rob Dawg said...

Is the plumbing copper by any chance? ;-)

Bakersfield Bubble said...

looks like the Casey website purchase was a great investment - BAHAHHAAHA - traffic down dramatically...

Sweet Cashback said...

Are you already growing algae (caused by the sun) in your pool? I have heard that is the latest hip thing to do, along with a Koi farm (type of fish).

Orson Buggy said...

One: It's spelled "Delaware", not "Deleware".

Two: Do Koi feed on mosquito larvae? If they do, it'd be a real win-win.